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  • Writer's pictureunkillbilly

I Got Your Math Right Here!

Have I told you I don't do math?

It's true. I wouldn't know a fraction from fiction. Was totally befuddled by Geometry. Never made it past simple equations in Algebra. I have to use my fingers (and occasionally toes!) to count. Somehow or other, I wound up severely retarded in the concepts of numbers.

So, when people say "do the math", I just say "no. I won't do the math. If I could do the math, I would have done the math!"

I recently came across this statistic: American drinkers drink an average of 26 gallons of beer every year.

Interesting statistic … but I have no idea how to relate to it. I mean, I have, well, had, no idea how much beer I drink per year. Of course, I know how much beer I drink on a daily basis, I had never considered my consumption on an annual basis. And when I try to think about my consumption, a whole bunch of numbers started spinning in my head. Well, all I had to do was multiply the daily amount times 365. Right?

Well, straight up, I could not be able to do that in my head. I would have to call on a calculator to multiply anything times 365!


That wasn't my only problem.

The real math bubbles up to the surface when I try to calculate the daily quantity. And units of measure suddenly become an abject impediment.

I'll say honestly, I drink four to five beers a day. I know, I know, not healthy by anyone's estimate. Still, there it is. We're not even dealin' with a real number, right? I'm expressing my consumption with a RANGE of numbers. See? Already I'm goin' WAY beyond my capabilities.

Still, I try to figure it out. Here's my progression.

First off, I need to collect my consumption numbers in terms of ounces. Beers are generally measured in ounces, so I have to turn my four to five beers a day into however many ounces a day. For this number, I will still need a calculator!

12 x 4 = 48. 12 x 5 = 60. Believe it or not, I did those calculations in my head. Fourth grade level knowledge. I know. Sad.

So now I've got some numbers to deal with. I'm gonna go with the five beer per day number and come up with 60 x 365. The calculator says that's 21900. Now, I figure, all I have to do is divide ounces by gallons and I've got my number, right? Wrong! Because the math I'm capable of says my annual consumption of beer is north of 170 gallons! I mean, 26 gallons looks downright puny.

So, I can go back to saying things like "I drink enough for 10 men!" Jeezuzz.

I'd be patting myself on the back for my downright heroic drinking … but I have to pat myself on the belly first. I'm sporting a major beer belly these days and that has to change. Something's gotta give and I got too much writing to do to croak from weight related disease.

Here's to water! Ack! I drink flavored waters because they don't taste so much like water. There's a reason for the term "watered down".

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