Wow. I just typed I ain't scared. And it hit me. Tears, outta nowhere, pushin' at the back of my eyeballs.
Fear. I am phucking SEIZED with fear.
It ain't the virus, man. I am definitely not afraid of the virus. My worst case scenario is death. I'm not aware of anything beyond death to be scared of, so my fear stops there.
At least, for the virus.
In fact, it looks to me like the virus is going to give us all, every last one of us, the opportunity to show our true colors. I chance to trot out the vital value: courage. An opening, to grow a pair and then some. Right? If you got any courage, now is the time to crank it up and demonstrate.
We have lived a cushy life! There are many who have never needed courage. Languishing in inordinate comfort, courage has atrophied. Those with no reserve, no measure of courage whatsoever…they are vulnerable, indeed. They will need role models. So, for those that do have courage, your load doesn't get any lighter. Having said that—the only important thing is the courage in your own heart. If you defend that courage, if you encourage it, if you make it your calling card, you'll emerge from the current catastrophe unassailable. If others find you an inspiration, that's icing on the cake.
Lest we be inexplicit about the gravity of the situation—there are only two things in this reality. Seriously. Just two things. Everything else is just a variation, a shading of the two fundamental components of human experience: fear and love. That's it. That's all there is. Everything 'bad' falls under fear, and all 'good' resolves to love. Hatred and violence fall on the fear side, courage and acceptance flow from love. And here's what's important to understand about that: the pandemic is a battle for all the marbles. This is an all or nothing proposition. Absolutely at stake is EVERYTHING. From my perspective, this is it, baby. What time is it, you ask? Well, it's time to buck up! If we don't step up with love in the face of fear…well, I think the outcome is pretty obvious. We built our civilization on power and money, not community and compassion. We've taken the side of fear for too long. I think it's time for something new.
It's just too bad the new is going to come only at a horrible expense: millions of human lives lost.
And THAT is where my fear comes in. That is why the tears shoved their way to the front.
I'm scared shitless my mom is going to die while the world is in lockdown.
See, mom is in a nursing home, the same kind of facility as in Kirkland, Washington, where a nursing home was a hotspot for coronavirus. Dozens died—from the disease Covid-19. AS I followed the inexorable demise of resident after resident, I felt my concern for my mom ratchet up. Then, after some serious bungling, the President called for closures and nursing homes were some of the first industries to lock their facilities down.
Now, I can't get to her. I can talk to her on the phone…but that's not the same. She needs to see me! I need to be able to stand there, next to her in her wheelchair or at the side of her bed. I think my presence is vital. I have trouble articulating this—I don't want to sound like Trump, taking credit for something I've had nothing to do with. I don't want to sound self-centered like that asshole.
Call me insane or egotistical, I don't care. I firmly believe mom feeds off my energy. I mean it. She doesn't eat. She hasn't eaten, for weeks and months. The staff at her facility kept telling me, she don't eat, she don't eat.
I think she gets the nourishment to go on from me. That's why—shit, here come the tears—I'm afraid. I'm scared I'll never get to see her million dollar smile again. I'm afraid I'll never get to hear her say "You're so handsome" ever again. Fear is just kicking my fat ass right now.
I think it's kicking a lot of people's asses. And it's going to get worse. Much, much worse...